


anywhere i would've of followed you

by igniteyourbones



Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: ALL ABOARD THE ANGST TRAIN, Angst, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, I don't know why I wrote this, M/M, Major Illness, Secret Relationship, Sick Harry, mostly it's just really sad, some fluff at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 14:02:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9388277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/igniteyourbones/pseuds/igniteyourbones
Summary: Nick looks at the grim faces of the representatives walking either side of him and they both have a matching expression that makes him think perhaps the world is ending. When Nick is led into a large private hospital room, he realises it is.His world at least, because in the reality he firmly occupies, he would never have to enter a hospital room and find Harry Styles looking gaunt and pale in a hospital bed.





	

**Author's Note:**

> it's hella sad. i wrote this a couple years back after the height of gryles when i was missing them hanging out together and was clearly listening to my angst playlist. i posted it on my tumblr back then but thought i may as well put it here too. honestly, this should not have been written but i can't control myself - i love angst far too much to be healthy.
> 
> title is from say something by a great big world. which you should absolutely not listen to while reading this. trust me.

He’s being ushered through a narrow, brightly lit corridor by two grey faced PR plebs who have remained annoyingly tight-lipped about why Nick’s being rushed through the back entrance of a building like a dirty secret. Nick wants to point this out and ask what exactly is going on because the hasty phone call followed by the cab that showed up outside of the BBC Radio 1 building to collect him has told him nothing except that whatever this is, it’s serious. His throat feels uncomfortably tight and he’s getting nervous now because he’s in a hospital which immediately leaves him with a bad taste in his mouth. His long fingers tap irregular rhythms against his legs as he walks and he’s about five seconds away from bringing up Justin Bieber’s latest fall from grace followed up by a lame joke to break the silence. He wants to be optimistic about all this because he’s found that’s always the better outlook to have but somehow he can’t bring himself to believe that someone he cares about has popped out a baby and they’ve kept it from him as a lovely surprise. 

One elevator ride later leaves Nick in a far more lavish corridor with white coats and nurses passing them by and being quick to drop eye contact the minute they see him. He looks at the grim faces of the representatives walking either side of him and they both have a matching expression that makes him think perhaps the world is ending. When Nick is led into a large private hospital room, he realises it is. 

His world at least, because in the reality he firmly occupies, he would never have to enter a hospital room and find Harry Styles looking gaunt and pale in a hospital bed. Nick’s eyes dart around uncertainly, feeling his lungs collapse and his blood go sluggish in his veins because this has to be some sort of nightmare or hellish prank. When he turns to ask the PR pair if they’re having a laugh, he finds that they’ve vanished, the hospital door now shut behind him, and Nick’s left alone with the ghost of the boy he loves.

“Hi Nick,” Harry croaks out, his skin as thin and delicate as the hospital sheets he’s wrapped up in but he’s still got that fond, dimpled smile on his face.

Nick shifts his weight uncomfortably. He’s never been very good at hospitals, or with sick people as it turns out. He’s terrified to open his mouth because he’s certain the wrong thing will come out. “Harry,” he breathes and it feels like all he can do without falling in on himself because how can this be Harry, his healthy, loud, stupidly brilliant Harry?

“It’s a bit of a shock, I know,” Harry says with a quiet laugh. Nick wants to scream. “I, uh, sorry I probably should’ve given you some kind of warning or summat, but I really had to see you.”

“A warning would’ve been nice, yeah,” Nick whispers distractedly, his eyes caught on the IV line plugged into Harry’s skin and the pulse oximeter clipped onto his finger that’s connected to the machines beeping away behind him. He looks back to find Harry’s lost his smile and is now watching Nick with wary eyes. “I don’t understand,” Nick says finally, because even though he does, he doesn’t want to.

“I’m sick,” Harry points out helplessly and Nick wants to be angry, wants to yell and tell Harry he’s lying, that this isn’t funny, but all he’s capable of doing is biting his lip and fighting back the swell of emotions coming over him. “It’s, um, it’s serious. They’ve done tests and started me on a few trials, but it’s not looking good.”

“So that’s why you’ve been missing for months.” Nick doesn’t phrase it like a question and he can hardly keep the hurt out of his voice which causes Harry to flinch. “All this time I thought you’d had enough of me and couldn’t tell me to my face so you disappeared instead.”

“Nick, I would never do that.”

“But you’d stop all forms of communication and hide your illness from me instead?” Nick’s voice is wobbling and he wants to slam his mouth shut, apologise and say it doesn’t matter because Harry’s lying in a hospital bed and that should be all that matters. “I called you every single day since you left, do you know that? I left you voice messages every time you didn’t pick up, until my bloody voice disappeared. I nearly got on a plane because there’d been a rumoured sighting of you in LA until Tomlinson called to say it wasn’t you. I lost my goddamn mind over you.”

“I’m sorry.” Harry’s voice is quiet, full of guilt and remorse and Nick hates himself for feeling like he has a right to be hurt when Harry’s disappearing in front of his eyes. “I wanted to tell you but I got scared. I didn’t want to drag you into months of uncertainty and endless tests and having to put up with me like this. I know how you get when it comes to hospitals and sick people.” There’s a wry grin on Harry’s face now, eyes soft as he thinks back to a shared memory of them.

“I would’ve,” Nick’s voice breaks and he stops himself to run a hand through his droopy quiff, looking anywhere but at Harry as he tries to get himself together. “I would’ve though, for you. I would’ve held your hand through all of it. I wouldn’t want you to be alone.”

He wouldn’t have been, Nick realises. He would’ve had Anne, Gemma, the boys who have been lying to Nick for weeks now about Harry. But that doesn’t stop his gut from twisting uncomfortably at the thought of Harry sitting with needles pressed into his skin and doctors saying fancy words around him, looking at the space between his fingers where Nick’s fingers should’ve been. Nick’s spent the last two months acting like a heartbroken teenager while Harry’s spent his time contemplating whether he’ll get to see his twenty-fifth birthday. Nick feels positively faint with the thought.

“Are you mad?” 

Nick lets out a huff of laughter, shaking his head. “No, god no,” he says after a moment, looking back at where Harry’s got a half smile on his face despite where the hospital sheets are tangled around his fingers tightly. How could he be, Harry’s facing something much bigger than him and yet Nick is all he’s thinking about. “I can never be mad with you, popstar.”

“I was hoping you’d say that,” Harry says sweetly, a relieved grin on his face as he shuffles over in the narrow bed and pats at the space beside him. Nick hesitates, unsure. “Oh come on, you big lump, you’ve never had any interest in treating me like glass before. Nothing’s changed.”

Except everything, perhaps, but Nick does as he’s told and moves closer to the bed. He toes off his scuffed boots with little grace and clambers up beside Harry, all limbs and pointed angles, but Harry tucks himself into Nick’s warmth easily as he always has and for a moment, the world stills and lets them have this. Nick searches for Harry’s hand in the sheets, linking their fingers together and thinking how nice it could be if this was enough to keep Harry with him.

“So,” Nick begins carefully. “What changed?”

Harry hums against Nick’s neck. “I grew too selfish. Couldn’t keep missing you like this. I’m sorry for all the secrecy and the way I dealt with this but. It has to stay like this, at least for now, until I have a statement ready for the press.”

Nick tightens his grip on Harry like something’s about to drag him away. He shifts to press his lips into Harry’s damp curls and closes his eyes. “You never have to apologise to me,” he tells him and he means it. _Especially for this_ , he thinks bitterly, especially for something so out of Harry’s control.

“I’m glad you’re here, Nick.” 

When Nick looks down, Harry’s eyes are shut and his face, unusually pale and thin, is relaxed and propped against Nick’s shoulder. It’s too much to bear to think of someone as beautiful and as brilliant as Harry disappearing for good and so he swallows down this thought uncomfortably. These are thoughts he’ll keep for himself when Harry’s not around to read them plain as day on his face.

“Me too.” Nick gazes down to where their legs have tangled together in amongst the sheets. “So, what are we in for then?”

Harry opens his eyes, blinking up at Nick curiously. “Nothing easy, m’afraid,” he answers vaguely and Nick knows he’ll have to get a proper report from Anne or Gemma who will always be more honest with him than Harry, not as concerned with keeping him as blissfully unaware. 

“That’s okay, I’ve never really cared much for easy. Find it all rather boring, actually.”

There’s a huff of laughter from Harry who presses a grin against Nick’s throat and then Nick’s laughing too, thinking about every stolen kiss, every secret hug, every private ‘I love you’ they’ve hidden from the world. They’ve done so much together, overcome every ordeal that comes with falling in love with someone you shouldn’t, so this is just another thing they’ll do together. Nick doesn’t allow himself to consider what happens when the person you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with doesn’t make it that far and instead holds Harry closer, choosing to focus on the here and now rather than the bitter loneliness that is due to come.

**Author's Note:**

> anyone need a tissue? or something to throw at me?
> 
> i know, i'm the worst. i'm so sorry.


End file.
